Just Bein' Real

My heart has been heavy tonight. I just had a frustrating past couple of days where nothing seems to be working right. You know where some things are just like, "It shouldn't be this hard". UGH...

The most frustrating thing for me is when I build up in my mind expectations on things I do that don't turn out the way I imagined. I feel inadequate. I feel spent. I feel like a big fat failure.

I came home tonight after one of those days. What did me in was the American Heritage Girls meeting. It just was crazy chaos. I wonder, "Are we making a difference? Is this impacting them?".
Then I come home to my kids being a hot mess. Tired, hungry and I am stressed out.

All I want to do is run into the arms of Jesus. I just need to be at His feet and pour out my heart. This is new burden. Not about me. It is a burden of ministry which is different and new to me. I am not familiar with this. It is urgent in my spirit. I know this is the path you have given me, but I feel like it isn't working. I cannot get my kids to bed fast enough.

 I get on Facebook (why) and almost get sidetracked. No, not tonight, I am not falling into your time warp this time. Kari Jobe, take me to the throne.

Oh... I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to be in the room with Jesus when you are feeling this way. I am reminded there is NOTHING that I can do. I can not do it all. As always He leads me to stillness and affirmation. I am His and He is mine. I can do all things through Him.

I can do nothing without His leading. I forget the most important thing and get wrapped up so much in "doing" that I just need to "be". If I have this down He can work freely through me. Love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. Everything will work together. Then the other, loving people, will come naturally. This is the scripture God lead me to tonight:

Psalm 32:8New Living Translation (NLT)

8 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
    I will advise you and watch over you.

Yes. 

Psalm 32:9New Living Translation (NLT)

9 Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
    that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”

Forgive me Lord.

I will remember that this ministry is not mine. It is yours. You are always with me, guiding me, I just need to be in constant communication with you. Please allow your Spirit to draw me and take control. I surrender. I will no longer try to do things on my own. I know this. I do things I don't want to, and I don't know why. I am human and I am in a fallen world. You have lead me to this moment. To this ministry. I will not be like a mule. I will have bad days but, I will remember. You never said it would be easy. You are in control.

Psalm 33:21New Living Translation (NLT)

21 In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.

I am so crazy. Over and over I forget this. He constantly confirms this to me. How patient He is. So constant. 

Thank you for always being the Perfect Father to me. I know I will "forget" this again. Thanks in advance for reminding me.